The question "why don't they just leave?" misunderstands the mechanics of coercive control. Survivors of domestic violence often face a tangle of financial, emotional, legal, and physical barriers that make departure far riskier than staying appears to outsiders. Dr. Sara Brammer, Chief Program Officer for Intimate Partner and Family Services at a leading survivor-support organization, has spent her career explaining why this question, however well-intentioned, misses the point entirely.
Financial dependency is among the most common obstacles. Abusers frequently control household income, restrict access to bank accounts, or sabotage a partner's employment, leaving survivors with no practical means to secure housing or basic necessities on their own. Even digital independence can be weaponized: shared devices, monitored phone plans, and tracked locations give abusers visibility into a partner's movements and communications. Organizations that support survivors increasingly recommend basic privacy tools, from password managers to device encryption, and in situations involving travel, something like a VPN aimed at travellers can help someone communicate with shelters, legal aid, or family without being monitored. These measures do not solve the underlying danger, but they can create small windows of safety that matter enormously. a VPN aimed at travellers
The Danger of Leaving
Contrary to common assumption, leaving an abusive relationship does not end the danger - it often escalates it. Research on intimate partner violence has long shown that the period immediately after separation is statistically the most lethal, as abusers lose control and may respond with heightened aggression, stalking, or retaliation. Survivors frequently understand this risk intuitively, even without formal data, because they have lived through threats tied to previous attempts to leave. Fear of losing custody of children, fear of homelessness, and fear of social isolation from extended family or community networks compound the physical danger.
Systemic and Emotional Barriers
Beyond physical risk, survivors often confront systemic obstacles: inadequate shelter capacity, complex legal processes for protective orders, immigration status concerns, and the simple logistical difficulty of relocating while protecting children or dependents. Emotional manipulation, often described as coercive control, erodes a survivor's confidence over time, making it harder to trust their own judgment about when and how to leave safely. Shame, cultural stigma, and fear of not being believed by police, employers, or even family members add further weight.
Leading With Understanding
Advocates like Dr. Brammer emphasize that support, not judgment, is what actually helps survivors move toward safety. Believing someone, respecting their timeline, and connecting them with trauma-informed resources - legal advocates, confidential shelters, counseling - does more than any well-meaning but misplaced question ever could. Understanding the real barriers survivors face is the first step toward building a response that meets them where they are, consistently and without conditions.